WHERE do I truly begin? The events unfolding the past few weeks have been excruciatingly painful. Now that everything has ended, I have time to recollect and ponder the way ahead.
I should have been more realistic and not yearn for the hope that's destined to fail. Clinging to such a possibility is never truly my character. However, where will we end up if we're absent of hope?
I should have seen it coming. But I refused to accept the inevitable. I wanted to believe in the impossible. It's now too late for everything. Only regrets have found its presence.
If there's a beginning, there must be an end. Nature works in such a wondrous way that everything is impermanent. Even the fleeting images of our memories will slowly fade with the progress of time. The question is, how long will that be?
FEAR OF TOMORROW
Where do we then go when the end is here to stay? Where will the spirits soar when the sorrows of men and women take centre stage? Will they return to the sweetness of their homes on the seventh day when everyone is eager for a glimpse?
The memories of yesterday are here to stay. Yet, how long will it persist is never truly understood. Perhaps while it's freshest in our mind we must find time to cherish them. Maybe the universe will be kind enough to give us a brief respite so that those moments are never truly lost in the wilderness.
Until we lose someone dearest to our hearts, it's impossible to know how we'll feel. You wake up in the morning wishing that it's just the nightmare of yesterday. You want to believe that it never truly took place. You want to tiptoe through the doors of yesterday and change the course of events so that tomorrow will arrive.
To be afraid of tomorrow is the greatest fear.
MOMENTS OF DESPAIR
The silence that arrives after the longest days is a deafening presence. There's a huge void that appears from nowhere within you. Its unwelcoming presence needs no introduction. It seeks to suck the marrow of your life.
It forces you to recalibrate your bearings. It allows you the loneliest days to grieve. It's between you and the universe alone only. It's a dialogue that you must hold with your Maker as you seek the answers of yesterday.
It's in these moments of despair that you'll find many who are willing to share your grief. Those who happen to know will rush to your side to offer their deepest condolences. Just like when heroes are born in the moment of chaos, those who care will never abandon you in such turbulent days. They reduce your burden of grief and willingly offer a consoling presence.
REMEMBERING DAD
My late dad was the humblest of all men. He worked extremely hard to put food on the table. He lost his parents at a very young age, but that never stopped him from being the best father.
He spoke with the strength of a thousand bulls. He wrote beautifully the Chinese characters like an artist passionately painting the bluest sky. He uttered words of wisdom in abundance with the hope that we'd become righteous people in life.
He had an infectious smile and used to tease us with life riddles where the answers would be found after some lengthy soul searching. He was smitten by my mum at a tender age, yet never lost the zeal for love until his very last breath.
He loved half-boiled eggs and toasted bread. The blackest coffee in town waited patiently when the morning sun smiled at him. Yet, that didn't stop him from indulging in his favourite bowl of dry wantan mee.
He loved to drive as that made him feel free and alive. He frequently found time to visit the temples of his choice, offering joss sticks to the gods and reciting prayers.
GREAT TEACHER
When I was a young boy, he told me to ride the motorcycle in the busy streets. He'd watch closely from behind on another motorcycle. I just obtained my license and was too afraid to venture into the streets on my own.
I could feel the thunderous beating of a thousand drums of my heart. But my dad assured me with his trademark confidence that everything would be alright. I rode for the longest time with countless cars screaming past me.
I kept looking at the mirror, yet dad was always there watching in silence. It was his way of instilling confidence in me.
It was a simple excursion, yet the most effective one.
My dad was a great teacher despite not having had any formal training as one. But life had taught him many valuable lessons and he found the most effective way to inculcate those cherished principles in our lives.
He was a shopkeeper who made an honest living helping others in the neighbourhood. He'd shared many stories yet there must be many more that I never took precious time to listen.
I never really told him how much I loved him until the days when he was fighting hard for tomorrow.
He was a true fighter. I wish I could have done more for him. I wanted to fulfil his lifelong dream, but I was also fearful of what would happen if it became a reality. I believe that my dad will forever be watching me closely. Just like how he used to watch me as I weaved my way around the busiest street.
Thank you, dad for everything that you've given me and for everything that I could ever ask for.
Tan Bok Hooi has a postgraduate degree in particle physics. An author of six books (Malay and English), he's also the founder of LIVEFREE, a consulting company focused in healthcare with emphasis on talent acquisition. Reach him at [email protected]
