ONE's never really ready for the death of a loved one, even though one might be aware that the time is near and that all signs point to that eventuality. Ask any caregiver about this, and he/she would tell you that devastation and loss are able to get to the best of them when it happens.
They may look calm and collected at the funeral, but they grieve and mourn privately — away from curious, prying eyes. The ones left behind might be able to smile and laugh when in the company of others. Such times can be a balm to heavy hearts, but when left alone, memories of the past would catch up and they'd be in tears.
The emptiness feels like a chasm in the heart. Sometimes a small thing can bring back memories so strong that tears would just roll down again. You wonder if you're going cuckoo.
Caregivers and families of ailing loved ones would have plenty to tell if you were to ask them. They might have been stressed out and exhausted during the weeks or even years of care; sometimes even complaining and wishing for better days. When that latter part happens, they'd wish they had a bit more time with them.
It sounds so contradictory, but it's one of those times when you want the best of both worlds. Yes, you're tired, but you don't want death as a solution. Visitors would try to comfort you and say things like, "Your loved one is no longer in pain", and other similar words.
Indeed that's true, especially when your loved one had been bedridden due to diseases that robbed them of everything that made them the person you knew and loved.
You'd want them to be at peace. You don't want them to suffer anymore. Yet, the loss of that person physically makes you feel as though the rug has been pulled from underneath you.
YO-YO OF EMOTIONS
Such feelings end up putting you through a yo-yo of emotions. You feel relief — for that loved one who was suffering and in pain, and for yourself because now you have more time to rest and do the things you'd neglected. But these feelings can also make you feel guilty. You feel bad for even thinking it, let alone wishing for it.
These feelings are all natural. We're only human. We're made that way. To survive this and be able to move forward, we need to be able to process the feelings and not beat ourselves up for it. Be patient with yourself.
Talking about it with people you trust and can be completely honest without being judged helps tremendously. Going through the deceased's personal things and sorting them out also help you to process your feelings.
Doing these things can really hurt and you should stop when you can't cope. However, remember to get back to it soon and work it through. There's no rushing it, but they have to be done.
Some people might take months, others take years. There's no time limit to grieving, but you'll find that time helps ease the pain of loss. Those whose loved ones had been terminally ill for some time would have the opportunity to be prepared — physically, mentally and spiritually.
BEING PREPARED
It's more complicated for those dealing with a situation where the death was sudden, unexpected or traumatic, especially when the deceased person Is still young.
One of the things that can help you prepare yourself for the death of an ailing loved one is knowing what to do when it happens. You don't want to flounder because you don't know what to do.
Some people may not want to broach this subject because they think it's taboo and morbid. Let it happen and then do something about it. Or better still, let others handle it, they say. If you have people who can do that for you, then you're among the lucky ones. But you still need to know the process.
There are immediate things you need to do when a loved one dies. If they die at home, you need to get a doctor to legally pronounce the death. Then you have to make a police report. They'll issue the "death report" for you to register the death with the authorities and also obtain the burial permit.
Remember to make a few copies of these documents because you may need to keep them in your file and later present them in court to deal with legal issues regarding inheritance etc.
You'll need to arrange for the deceased to be buried. Have you identified the place for this? Which cemetery would be the final resting place? It'd be good to get some people to help you with contacting family, relatives and friends to inform them of the death, funeral arrangements and prayer sessions.
Losing a loved one is difficult. There are so many things to do and it can overwhelm you. Don't try to do everything alone. You'd be surprised that there are people who'd be more than willing to help.
[The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.]
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at [email protected].
