TODAY'S the first day of Chinese New Year. The family reunion dinner, which is the highlight of this festivity, would have already taken place last night. However, some people will continue to celebrate by visiting relatives and friends, joining them for meals, or just for a social visit.
Some might have already taken off for a holiday destination to spend time bonding with loved ones.
If you have a loved one who's now challenged like never before, whether it's physical, mental or both, you might be celebrating and ushering the new year slightly differently than before.
As a caregiver, you may be a little more tired too because of the added responsibilities and the physical requirements of having to assist your ailing loved one. Sometimes you can't help but get caught in the middle.
On the one hand, you'd like to take your ailing loved one out visiting, but because of the current circumstances, this might be rather challenging. Taking loved ones out of their routine and comfort zone can bring out the worst in terms of behaviour and reaction to new faces.
Then there's the problem of transport, limited mobility and the use of wheelchair, and bladder or bowel incontinence. These are easily dealt with if you already know the layout of the place you're going to and what to expect. Otherwise, you might have to deal with unexpected disasters. Steps and staircases are particularly challenging.
HAVE AN ALLY
So, in anticipation of all these things, you try to avoid the obstacles. Instead of going there, you invite everyone over. It seems like the perfect solution. Bring everyone to your ailing loved one so that he/she is in a familiar environment.
But it'll dawn on you that organising and hosting a gathering take a huge effort. You're probably already exhausted with what you have to deal with. With the festivities, you're most likely already "maxed out" and running on reserve.
Chances are, you'll launch into a cleaning mode. The house has to be presentable before guests arrive, but not before preparing some food and drinks for them. Lucky are those who can have food and drinks delivered to their doorsteps.
It'd really help if you had an ally for this — someone to take care of the food, and someone else to deal with greeting and entertaining the guests, most of whom are family anyway. Family and relatives who are loving and kind would have no issue with things not being perfect, or if traditions weren't followed. You can feel their support when they pitch in to help in any small way.
Unfortunately, inviting family and relatives over to the house can also make you vulnerable to criticisms. They might just come to visit this one time and offer unsolicited advice on how things could/should be done without previous assistance or contribution — whether physically or financially — towards making all that happen.
When this kind of things happen, you end up feeling really dejected and demotivated. It's like everything you've done was for naught. These are some of the things that could happen during festivities, especially if this situation is new to the family. You're still dealing with unknown factors and unchartered experiences.
MANAGING GATHERINGS
Family gatherings can be fun and memorable, but you must learn to manage it. If your ailing loved one has strict dietary restrictions, then it might be a good idea to bring specially prepared food from home.
To be fair, not everyone really understands the specific dietary needs unless they've gone through it too. For example, some people might think that using all manner of sauces like soya sauce, chilli and tomato sauces without adding salt is salt-free food. Similarly, some people don't really understand allergies. That kind of thinking is dangerous.
To be more prepared and mindful, plan and prepare ahead of time as much as possible. Be ready for the unexpected. Read up on topics about caring for people with similar conditions as your ailing loved one.
Try to include them in the conversation and holiday spirit. Things like food, with all its tastes, sight and smells, can evoke positive memories, just like music too. Reminisce, by all means. Talk about the good times. But try to avoid comparing what's going on now with how it used to be because that can be emotionally draining.
Know when and how to ask for help. If you're not sure how to do that try to rope in a supportive person to help you figure it out. Two heads (or more) are sometimes better than one. Go through a list of possible worst-case scenarios and "what if" situations.
Whatever it is, don't try to do it all by yourself. Dividing responsibilities, especially when you have to deal with a crowd, really cuts down your stress level.
[The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.]
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at [email protected].
