THERE comes a time when you have to say "no" firmly, mean it, and stand by it. There are many reasons why we find it difficult to say this word to people. A lot of it has to do with not wanting to disappoint others. How many times have you responded with a "yes" and then felt miserable?
If you take a moment to think about it, while saying "yes" might seem like a ready and easy solution, it's not always the best answer, especially for yourself. Conversely, not saying "no" has implications too. You're not doing yourself a favour.
An article written for lifehack.com by Danielle Droitsch, a life coach for professionals, struck a chord in me. What she said resonated so well with the struggle that I'd experienced for years because I find it difficult to say "no" to people.
Here's what she said to put things in perspective.
When you say "yes" to something you don't enjoy, you say "no" to things that you love.
When you say "yes" to a job you don't love, you say "no" to your dreams.
When you say "yes" to someone you don't like, you say "no" to a fulfilling relationship.
So, what should you do about it? What can you do?
NOURISH THE SPIRIT
First, you have to tell yourself there's nothing wrong with saying "no" to people. It's something you have to learn to do. It takes practice and gets easier over time. Since we're still in the new year mode, let's do things that can nourish our spirit.
Being a caregiver already puts you in a position of doing the best for your ailing loved ones, and oftentimes doing things to please and comfort them because they're unwell.
As time goes by, this line can get blurry when the care receiver takes advantage of this and becomes demanding as they bully you into submission. You'll find that it's really hard to say "no" without offending. What happens next is you find yourself pushing your limits just doing everything that's asked of you instead of saying "no".
Many caregivers would remember the numerous times they just didn't say "no" even when they knew that it would just make them miserable. They continue to bear with it for as long as they can just to make their ailing loved ones happy.
They feel responsible for other people's reactions and how their "no" might affect others. They might also want to avoid conflict, confrontation, and most of all, the fear of disappointing others.
There's also the fear of missing out (FOMO).
When this happens, ask yourself: Do you feel better by going with the flow? Why are you doing something you don't enjoy? Looking back, having difficulties with saying "no" is a habit built over time.
Some people have been nurtured or "trained" from young to be obliging. Some people have been raised this way; that saying "no" equates to being rude and insubordinate.
So, it would take time to undo this. It has to be a conscious effort, and getting started can be tough because it takes you out of your comfort zone. But it has to be done.
JUST SAY "NO"
First, you have to tell yourself that it's okay to say "no". It won't mean that you're being evil or rude, or that other people will feel bad or even get angry about it. If you're sincere in your answer and break it to them gently, you'll find that people will actually accept your "no" and move on.
They wouldn't be in the least perturbed about it. In fact, you'll find that these fears of how they might react are just in your mind and self-created. As Droitsch wrote, "saying 'no' is okay; and it's part and parcel of life. People say 'yes' and 'no' all the time every day in this world. You're not the only person saying 'no' to someone else. Being respectful in your communication is more important."
Keep your explanations simple. You don't have to reveal all the details. There's this thing called TMI or "too much information". There's really no need to over-explain irrelevant details. Doing so might get yourself into a sticky situation.
You can turn the question around and ask yourself what duty you owe to yourself. You might disappoint some people initially because they're used to having you at their beck and call.
But drawing the boundaries can give that freedom you owe to yourself. You'd be surprised how those boundaries can help others have more respect for you too. Your self-worth isn't based on how much you do for others. You can be a kind and loving person, and still say "no". You can care about people's needs and still say "no".
[The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.]
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at [email protected].
