PART of what you do as a caregiver of ailing loved ones is to maintain their dignity while other people now manage their life. What you do and how you uphold their dignity may seem small and inconsequential, but it means the world to that person who has to accept that other people have to do things for them.
They may not be physically strong or able anymore, but for as long as they have the cognitive ability to tell you their wishes, you should take the trouble to see them through. It's the least you could do for them.
It's a different matter if they've become bitter, cantankerous and snipe at you at every opportunity. There are those who take out their frustrations on their caregivers, and generally treat their nearest and dearest poorly.
Such instances can wear you down and caregivers will need to take measures to preserve their sanity so they can continue to do what needs to be done, or find help to deal with difficult moments and situations.
Fortunately, the people I've cared for were gentle, people who not only helped others when they were well, but also helped me to help them when they were unwell. In sharing with me how they wanted to be cared, I learnt how to be an effective caregiver while being mindful of sensitivities.
LITTLE THINGS MATTER
Some of the things I learnt along the way included respecting their choices, offering them control over certain things, how to manage their privacy and personal hygiene, and how their meals were served.
It's usually the little things that matter. If you ignore that, then you may find yourself wondering what went wrong. They do get sensitive. This usually happens when you forget to include them in discussions about things that involve them directly, like their meals, what they wear, how their room is cleaned, and how they're treated in general.
If they can still make decisions, include them in the planning. Otherwise, this could make them feel displaced and lead to a sense of loss and depression. Involve them in decisions related to their care. It's not always straightforward because they may not always agree with what you think is best for them.
People's tastes vary. You have to remember that before they became incapacitated, they were independent individuals who were used to doing their own things in their own way. Just because they need help now doesn't mean you can railroad them off the track.
Keeping one's own sense of identity keeps one sane. If you're dealing with someone new, ask him/her how they'd like to be addressed. It seems to be our culture to address people who are in our parents' age group as "aunty" or "uncle". Not everyone likes that. Some prefer distance and formality.
We used to be curious at how western people would call older people by their first names, or with honorifics if they're not familiar with each other, adding Mr, Mrs, Sir or Madam to it. There's a lot of merit in practising that, especially these days when being 60 is the new 40, despite hair colour and fitness level.
I'm all for keeping to Encik, Puan or Che when uncertain of how to address someone instead of makcik and pakcik, especially when they're not members of your family. Talk to them politely and amiably, and don't talk down to them with a patronising tone. They're adults, not children.
BE RESPECTFUL
When serving their meals, present the food in an appetising way. Don't just pile everything on the plate. I know that it'd all end up as mush in the stomach, but it's got to appeal to the eyes. I always believe that the eyes feast first before any other part of us is triggered.
Imagine a finicky eater or someone with no appetite. You need to coax them into getting some nutrition. You don't have to do it Michelin style although nothing should stop you from doing that if you so wish.
Just because you're in charge of their care, it doesn't mean you can just go through their things or barge into their room without knocking first. Respect their personal space and ask for permission. It makes them feel more comfortable with you and instills trust.
Even if they were incapable of giving permission for these things, you should still observe common decency and manners. It keeps them respected and makes you a decent human being.
When people feel they aren't respected or that they don't matter, they'd feel like they're a burden to their loved ones. This could make them lose hope and the will to live. In a nutshell, when we feel like just doing things our way, take a moment to remember who it is we're caring for. Treat them like how you'd like to be treated.
[The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.]
Putri Juneita Johari volunteers for the Special Community Society of Ampang. She can be reached at [email protected].
