HOW many times have we allowed ourselves to be overwhelmed and stressed because we react to things that are happening around us? Some people get easily irritated by noise, heat and traffic jams. And at work, they can't find peace amid noisy co-workers and the incessant ringing of phones. Meanwhile, back at home, screaming kids and angry spouses make them lose control.
But what makes us lose control so easily? The answer may lie in the way we handle these stimulants. If we allow them to, they'd quickly mess up our rational minds. In other words, we end up reacting to situations rather than responding to solve the problems.
THE COCKROACH THEORY
There's a story that went viral and it went like this:
"As I was sitting in a restaurant one day, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic-stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also panicked.
"The lady managed to push the cockroach away, but it landed on another lady in the group. Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama. The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.
"The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behaviour of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.
"Sipping my coffee and watching with amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering: Was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behaviour? If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.
"It's not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies. I realised that it's not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.
"It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me. More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life."
REACTING TO PROBLEMS
Between work and family, there are lots of problems that we have to face every day. What do we do with these problems? Should we just complain while wishing that we were somewhere else? Or do we berate ourselves by thinking how unlucky we are?
These would be symptoms of reacting. We should be like the waiter — react less and respond more. There are many consequences if we fail to do this. Many good relationships have been broken because spouses were unable to move beyond the shouting and yelling.
Office environment becomes hostile because people prefer to gossip than communicate positively. They hurt each other by reacting to the negative words and atmosphere. Instead of looking for solutions to their problems, they avoid each other altogether.
RESPONDING POSITIVELY
A much better strategy is to postpone or avoid the reactions altogether. Learn to take all these problems in our stride. When things aren't going our way, pause for a while to ponder on the solutions. When the other party is screaming in our face, learn to control our emotion and avoid fuelling the fire even more.
Yes, it'd be easier and "more satisfying" to just let go of all our negative emotions. But in the end, what do we achieve? We just end up creating bigger holes in our lives. No one really wins; all that's left is more hurt and anger.
Reacting is almost automatic, whereas responding requires a great deal of control. Not everyone can do it as it requires a lot of effort and an even bigger heart. However, people who choose "responding" over "reacting" would find their lives to be calmer, happier and more meaningful.
Zaid Mohamad coaches and trains others to bring out their best while enjoying a peaceful, purposeful life. Reach him at [email protected].
